Update!

I haven't been on in a while, and its because I'm rather busy. i left on a sort of depressing emotional note, which only comes out in writing, which means the internet catches most of the slack. anyway, since February i have been in school, attempting to survive this spring semester. It's killing my soul. i never have been so stressed out and busy and outright exhausted. i love college though. i love being on my own trying to make sense of everything, and being friends with so many different people, with my own schedule in a new place studying the violin which i love. at the moment, i should be studying for finals for my theory classes and such, but the internet is such a wonderful place. anyway, i just hopped on to tell myself that. i will be ok.
also, remember my dear, that you want to do a world musics class when you get to be in charge of your own program.

i really like haiku

Sometimes, I feel weird
I really don't understand
I'm rather confused.

Too easy single
I think I am happy now
Am I? I don't know.

Too easy lonely.
This life isn't for sadness
right? not yet, I hope.

Too hard single.
Jealousy eats you again.
Wait. wait. It's too hard?

Too hard lonely.
You alone outside, again?
Um, You say its hard?

A relationship?
Not again. Not again. no...
It is too risky.

At the edge of it.
Life moves on, oblivious.
Swirling around me.

smile.

Its funny how very well you can get to know a face. Even worse is when you get that face taken away from you. Not that I'm saying its never our fault when that face is taken away, but theres a sort of victimization going on. I never got too terribly close to anyone for that reason. Its weird for me to get close to anyone, not really typical of me to do something like that, and even if I do I simply disappear into the background after a while. I do this to so many people I cant even count. Now, in college I realize the importance of having that one best friend to get you through everything... and I also realize I dont have that right now. I cant get over my ex, and the closest thing I have to a best friend is a guy who lives many states away. I guess at some point you have to sleep in the bed you make. Doesnt make this easier.


Im transported back in times that i only remember with a smile, a glance of the eyes, a shy emotion. that smile, if only you knew, is one of my favorite in the world. Your eyes are simple and elegant.

Strange really.

You'd think that I would be all figured out by now. I know what I want to do for my life, what I like to eat, all my favorite music and that stuff. High school really should have been that prep ground for me. today though, i feel a bit like im discovering bits of me that i never really knew about. I find myself more often then not in the background watching people and not in the conversation. Im more comfortable with laid back and not high energy people, and im sort of becoming less strange to being different. I actually have heard that i remind people of a cat, and like a cat, sit back and enjoy the show. I like creativity and living differently than the mainstream way of doing things-not necessarily hippy though... I guess its all a bit of growing up, but wouldnt i have figured this out by now?
I have started keeping a notebook of things i have heard, seen or found out about. its quite awesome really, i like doing it. like moments frozen in time, minus the camera. i hope i remember college days for the rest of my life.