I haven't been on in a while, and its because I'm rather busy. i left on a sort of depressing emotional note, which only comes out in writing, which means the internet catches most of the slack. anyway, since February i have been in school, attempting to survive this spring semester. It's killing my soul. i never have been so stressed out and busy and outright exhausted. i love college though. i love being on my own trying to make sense of everything, and being friends with so many different people, with my own schedule in a new place studying the violin which i love. at the moment, i should be studying for finals for my theory classes and such, but the internet is such a wonderful place. anyway, i just hopped on to tell myself that. i will be ok.
also, remember my dear, that you want to do a world musics class when you get to be in charge of your own program.
Girl. Musician. Confused.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
i really like haiku
Sometimes, I feel weird
I really don't understand
I'm rather confused.
Too easy single
I think I am happy now
Am I? I don't know.
Too easy lonely.
This life isn't for sadness
right? not yet, I hope.
Too hard single.
Jealousy eats you again.
Wait. wait. It's too hard?
Too hard lonely.
You alone outside, again?
Um, You say its hard?
A relationship?
Not again. Not again. no...
It is too risky.
At the edge of it.
Life moves on, oblivious.
Swirling around me.
I really don't understand
I'm rather confused.
Too easy single
I think I am happy now
Am I? I don't know.
Too easy lonely.
This life isn't for sadness
right? not yet, I hope.
Too hard single.
Jealousy eats you again.
Wait. wait. It's too hard?
Too hard lonely.
You alone outside, again?
Um, You say its hard?
A relationship?
Not again. Not again. no...
It is too risky.
At the edge of it.
Life moves on, oblivious.
Swirling around me.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
smile.
Its funny how very well you can get to know a face. Even worse is when you get that face taken away from you. Not that I'm saying its never our fault when that face is taken away, but theres a sort of victimization going on. I never got too terribly close to anyone for that reason. Its weird for me to get close to anyone, not really typical of me to do something like that, and even if I do I simply disappear into the background after a while. I do this to so many people I cant even count. Now, in college I realize the importance of having that one best friend to get you through everything... and I also realize I dont have that right now. I cant get over my ex, and the closest thing I have to a best friend is a guy who lives many states away. I guess at some point you have to sleep in the bed you make. Doesnt make this easier.
Im transported back in times that i only remember with a smile, a glance of the eyes, a shy emotion. that smile, if only you knew, is one of my favorite in the world. Your eyes are simple and elegant.
Im transported back in times that i only remember with a smile, a glance of the eyes, a shy emotion. that smile, if only you knew, is one of my favorite in the world. Your eyes are simple and elegant.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Strange really.
You'd think that I would be all figured out by now. I know what I want to do for my life, what I like to eat, all my favorite music and that stuff. High school really should have been that prep ground for me. today though, i feel a bit like im discovering bits of me that i never really knew about. I find myself more often then not in the background watching people and not in the conversation. Im more comfortable with laid back and not high energy people, and im sort of becoming less strange to being different. I actually have heard that i remind people of a cat, and like a cat, sit back and enjoy the show. I like creativity and living differently than the mainstream way of doing things-not necessarily hippy though... I guess its all a bit of growing up, but wouldnt i have figured this out by now?
I have started keeping a notebook of things i have heard, seen or found out about. its quite awesome really, i like doing it. like moments frozen in time, minus the camera. i hope i remember college days for the rest of my life.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Christmas timeee is hereeeee!
holiday and cheer.
i have yet to start on buying christmas presents and i didnt decorate a tree, and im still working on finals. but you know. its whatever. So, i really dont have much to say about christmas but i wanted to post. christmas is my moms birthday and that always is an issue. we buy her two presents as a birthday and christmas gift, and it is a source of struggle and internal doubt. actually, i lied. i do have something to say about christmas.
i remember one year, i was so stressed out about finding two gifts for her, i managed to make myself rather sick. i was 8 or something at the time, and it was imperative that i get my mom a proper gift for her birthday- the subject had come up at the lunch table... making it an issue for the entire 4th grade class. (this is another story. in fourth grade, was ate lunch as 2 groups- the girls and the boys [possible beliefs in cooties still existed at this point?] we would discuss all the major events that mattered at all. you'd think that it would be quite the honor to come up in conversation at the lunch table, but it was not. not at all. the kid in question would be teased relentlessly/badgered into things/laughed at for no apparent reason. I was horrified that i had let slip that christmas shopping was such an issue and i hadn't dealt with it yet. I could not allow myself to become the class scapegoat of the week. i had to get her a good present.) Therefore, i went to the store with my dad and wandered each aisle progressively losing hope until toward the end i think i began to believe i was melting into the ground. i became a smallish puddle of 8 year old and absolutely could not be convinced to continue. my dad spent a few minutes trying to cajole me into getting up and continuing the search, until he finally just gave up and told me he'd buy me some ice cream.
this ice cream quickly became my reason for living. i would do anything for that cone of ice cream. i became a present-finding machine, and inspected every single bit of merchandise until i could not possibly continue... and then i would- there was ice cream waiting for me. after another aisle, i came across the perfect gift that had my mothers name all over it. literally. my dad (correctly) thought that i would succumb to indecision, and found a gift earlier. he wrote moms name all over it, and then allowed my stubborn 8 year old self find the present. (i wanted to find the thing myself.) i dont even remember what it was...
i do know now that the incident didnt last very long. my dad told me i searched 2 aisles before hitting the puddle stage.
In anycase, following the incident, we got home and i vowed never again would i go shopping. i crawled melodramatically to my room, eyes wide open in horror and quiet, as if i had been scarred by unspeakable horrors. mom, not taking notice, yelled that it was dinner time as i passed the bathroom. The mention of food caused me to feel so violently ill, i un-ate all of that glorious icecream that i had won in the epic battle of the present shopping. i stayed sick for 2 days i think... but, in retrospect, the entire experience was worth it because two things happened that year- i satisfied my friends in the present issue, and also, for christmas i had received a GIANT dog stuffed animal. the thing was as big as i was, and it was quickly converted into a pillow/bed. I still have it with me. its my pillow in college.
i have yet to start on buying christmas presents and i didnt decorate a tree, and im still working on finals. but you know. its whatever. So, i really dont have much to say about christmas but i wanted to post. christmas is my moms birthday and that always is an issue. we buy her two presents as a birthday and christmas gift, and it is a source of struggle and internal doubt. actually, i lied. i do have something to say about christmas.
i remember one year, i was so stressed out about finding two gifts for her, i managed to make myself rather sick. i was 8 or something at the time, and it was imperative that i get my mom a proper gift for her birthday- the subject had come up at the lunch table... making it an issue for the entire 4th grade class. (this is another story. in fourth grade, was ate lunch as 2 groups- the girls and the boys [possible beliefs in cooties still existed at this point?] we would discuss all the major events that mattered at all. you'd think that it would be quite the honor to come up in conversation at the lunch table, but it was not. not at all. the kid in question would be teased relentlessly/badgered into things/laughed at for no apparent reason. I was horrified that i had let slip that christmas shopping was such an issue and i hadn't dealt with it yet. I could not allow myself to become the class scapegoat of the week. i had to get her a good present.) Therefore, i went to the store with my dad and wandered each aisle progressively losing hope until toward the end i think i began to believe i was melting into the ground. i became a smallish puddle of 8 year old and absolutely could not be convinced to continue. my dad spent a few minutes trying to cajole me into getting up and continuing the search, until he finally just gave up and told me he'd buy me some ice cream.
this ice cream quickly became my reason for living. i would do anything for that cone of ice cream. i became a present-finding machine, and inspected every single bit of merchandise until i could not possibly continue... and then i would- there was ice cream waiting for me. after another aisle, i came across the perfect gift that had my mothers name all over it. literally. my dad (correctly) thought that i would succumb to indecision, and found a gift earlier. he wrote moms name all over it, and then allowed my stubborn 8 year old self find the present. (i wanted to find the thing myself.) i dont even remember what it was...
i do know now that the incident didnt last very long. my dad told me i searched 2 aisles before hitting the puddle stage.
In anycase, following the incident, we got home and i vowed never again would i go shopping. i crawled melodramatically to my room, eyes wide open in horror and quiet, as if i had been scarred by unspeakable horrors. mom, not taking notice, yelled that it was dinner time as i passed the bathroom. The mention of food caused me to feel so violently ill, i un-ate all of that glorious icecream that i had won in the epic battle of the present shopping. i stayed sick for 2 days i think... but, in retrospect, the entire experience was worth it because two things happened that year- i satisfied my friends in the present issue, and also, for christmas i had received a GIANT dog stuffed animal. the thing was as big as i was, and it was quickly converted into a pillow/bed. I still have it with me. its my pillow in college.
Monday, December 6, 2010
2 whole posts in one day!
well, i suppose the first post i did today doesnt really count.
Im not really here to say anything in particular, and actually, now that i think about it that post was done saturday and technically its monday now, (although, really my body tells me its sunday and i should go to bed.) I just wanted to say hello to my blog again, since it's been a while and im procrastinating again. i really should finish that paper. >.<
anyway
Im not really here to say anything in particular, and actually, now that i think about it that post was done saturday and technically its monday now, (although, really my body tells me its sunday and i should go to bed.) I just wanted to say hello to my blog again, since it's been a while and im procrastinating again. i really should finish that paper. >.<
anyway
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